In the grand annals of straight-to-video ninja movies, one name reigns supreme. Sho Kosugi only starred in a handful of films, most of them in the 80’s, and in all of them he played a ninja. With just that one sentence I’ve proven how good a ninja he is because despite being in nearly twenty films, hardly anyone has seen any of them. He starred in a trilogy of ninja-related features produced by schlock-masters Cannon Group, he fought alongside Lee Van Cleef in the vaguely remembered television series The Master, and he seemed to have pretensions of creating the First Family of ninja movies by often starring alongside his two young sons Kane and Shane (Shane would go on to do some film projects as an adult including the spectacularly underrated Ninja II: Shadow of a Tear).
In other words, if you’re a fan of bad ninja movies, Sho Kosugi is your guy. And if you’re a fan of bad movies in general, 9 Deaths of the Ninja will sate your thirst for incompetence.
The name of the film has pretty much nothing to do with anything. This is a James Bond-esque picture about a secret agent ninja for the United States government tasked with saving hostages in the Philippines. After the plot is set up, scenes happen because a film requires that sort of thing, there are some explosions and martial arts fights for some reason, and the movie ends. It’s what I call an empty calorie movie: you spend an hour and a half watching it but you gain absolutely nothing from it.
Except a lot of laughs. Ripping off James Bond means that you must have a sensual opening credits sequence with a theme song and that is the moment you will know if this is a movie for you or not. Standing in the corner of a photocenter at a K-Mart, Sho is sweaty and shirtless practicing swings with his katana as a smoke machine pulses unnecessary atmosphere on him and three aerobic dancers spin around him for no reason. The theme song adds even more head-scratching quality by being about the power of dance. In case you were wondering, the film has nothing to do with dancing.
The 80’s encapsulated.
The movie proceeds to have the typical low-budget action feel you would expect of a picture of this period but never at Cameron Mitchell levels. Someone pumped some money in and that someone is particularly proud that they managed to rent a helicopter for a day or two. If helicopters are your thing, this film is sure to please you. The fact the film was shot on location in the Philippines and not someone’s backyard in Hollywood is a testament to the filmmaker’s belief they had something that might turn a profit.
Getting into the plot is useless as not even the screenwriters knew what the plot was. The hostage thing is the impetus and from there Sho and his secret agent friends are working to discover the whereabouts of our captured American tourists. The villains, a bunch of rednecks and scantily clad women under the leadership of a dorky German guy in a wheelchair (who has a pet monkey) are hilariously silly and over-the-top but their defeat is extremely anti-climactic as the writers realized that Sho is a ninja and none of the bad guys are martial artists. So, at the end of the movie, the bad guys for some reason have a handful of ninjas working for them who were never established at any other point.
Pro-Tip For Filmmakers: Don’t have a ninja movie where the main villain is in a wheelchair and cannot engage in a martial arts battle with the hero.
Everyone is dubbed over, no one can act, the action is middling at best (and incomprehensible at worst), and at the end of the day there’s good reason nobody is licensing 9 Deaths of the Ninja and you can watch it for free on YouTube.
Introducing myself to you as a film critic with a movie like this is probably going to garner some head scratching but there should be an understanding that a lot of people who love films and relish the high artsy-fartsy stuff have a great appreciation for bad movies like 9 Deaths of the Ninja. You can only understand, laugh at, and appreciate incompetence when you have a grasp of how to competently do something. There’s a misperception that film critics and cinephiles are always going to be high and mighty.
But that’s not the case and that’s an important introductory factor for myself as a critic and movie buff. I love movies that are challenging, beautiful, or heartfelt. But I also love watching train wrecks. And so, as I present more film criticism and reviews in the coming months, I’d like you to know that while I can do a deep dive into a Fellini or Kurosawa film, I’m also not opposed to spotlighting something inane. Because this kind of stuff can be just as fun as the highest quality films.
Sean Newgent's Cinema Purgatorio 